the 11th month

christ

i’m all fucked up

i miss my son lucas 

it’s almost been eight years

and the hole is sucking in 

much of my will to at least try and be content

fear not i tell myself

i insist on living as glorious life as possible

but the years play tricks on me

there is no rationale to be taken from the grief

i thought i was past this

i thought time would smooth

i’ve never been more wrong

i tried shrinks

but the task at hand proved too great for them

the dire pointlessness of their sorrowful ears

couldn’t be articulated

thus 

the same old versions echoed

‘how does that make you feel?’

paper tigers with academic validation

the real world is fire

the crippling begins with lucas’ beginning

i was the first one to clean him

and in the end

when he was home in my care

i was the last one to clean him

this is one of the mind darts that stings with precision

i don’t retreat to music or art in these moments

i leave the house

sometimes the city

sometimes the country

i bravely run away

hollow eyed and hearted

i put on my mask and have weightless conversations

with old friends

shopkeepers

and bartenders

never letting on that the grey tarp above the black dog

is drooping 

fucking november

the worst month of the year

even before luke’s passing

i hated november

the only thing it ever gave me

was the will to quit smoking

other than that 

november remains the most isolated month

i would smoke right now

just to spite the 11th month

perhaps i’ll choose never to say it’s name again instead

i like caring for my mum

she’s close

she gets rubs and pets and kisses from me

and i feel like we’re both rewarded 

that’s the love i’m capable of right now

divine is patient and thankfully wrapped up in production

still 

she’s too smart for my phoniness 

she gives me space

and she in turn is affectionate 

mostly patient

and that’s a good thing

i blend into my company

taking on tasks and annoying my staff with my suggestions

and a squirrel like attention span

i know there’s still a few nuts buried in my garden

i’ll find them and grow them

i have never lost vision

or passion

or context

but i’ve lost so much more

my wife - susan - we’re still married

(divorce is pointless)

i know she sinks towards the abyss

she has little to do with me

stray conversations and quick texts

we’re the only ones who know

our sorrow mirrored

who wants to be around that?

i’m glad she’s mostly with jackson

all of his strength of character should be credited to her

i’m the wanderer

he gets that from me

tonight i lied to divine

i told her that i was going to the show in kitchener

and i pretended i was

but deep down i knew that i was going to make dinner

drink half a bottle of wine 

and hit the couch

what i didn’t plan on 

was this blog 

it’s strange

but feels good to get this out

i am well aware that no one will read this

i think that’s the point

craig martin

nov 23, 2023

cheese pasta with olives and red wine

the socials

 i quite like the socials

i’m on all of them

i’ve stopped watching tv

i’ve stopped listening to radio

it’s all about the socials for me

my attention span has indeed shrunk

and yet i’ve been far more effective with business and life in general

most importantly

i like the connection

there’s a bunch of donuts

and we send each other all kinds of shit

it started off inappropriate and funny

and now it’s morphed into meaningful memes

all about positivity 

we’re connected in a meaningful way

the socials renew my faith in humanity 

especially the funny ones

think about the work involved:

you have to conceptualize

then film it edit it post it share it repeat

all for what?

i’ll tell you what - it’s to make people laugh

that’s upside 

sure there’s some commerce 

but mostly people are going to a lot of trouble

to make us laugh

well done i say

i visit my local market daily

i buy what i want for a 24 hour period

i waste nothing

and with that comes a different kind of social

the fleeting moments of daily human contact

a familiarity 

chit chats

during the pandemic

it was this kind of social that cemented me to cabbagetown

of course the shows

are the best socials

the musicians are a tight squad

and please know

that we truly a feel a connection with everyone 

the importance of the shows

intensifies with each passing year

we’re all relying upon one and other

it certainly feels social for anyone who attends live music

will hare has given up music!

everyone is freaking out

will says that it’s time for something new

and he’s making a clean break and selling all of his gear

simple dimple

there’s no bad blood anywhere

in fact will is the bravest man i know

it will be exciting to watch what he left turns into

still

everyone is freaking out

but not me

time passes 

things change

stay social san diego 

craig

nov. 14 / 23

red wine and bone broth stew

massey hall

 massey hall the greatest venue in canada

it’s the kind of place that can change you

tonight we sold it out

and the musicians were glorious

we’re closing in on a eighty shows at the hall

there’s a feeling of community here

the techs

the staff

everyone is familiar 

i like that

seven years ago

just after my son passed

massey hall reached out and asked me

if i wanted a couple tickets to see louis ck

he was doing a pop up show

they figured i could use a laugh

they were right

when i got there

a couple of the staff came up and hugged me

i can’t even type this without welling up

but in that moment

i felt 

home

november is the cruelest month

if you’ve got an inkling of bad vibes

november will take them

supercharge them

and then cannon-fire them back at you

to see what you’re made of

the grey weather

the grey clothing

the grey heart

it can pull you down

i live in cabbagetown

a 20 minute quick walk from the hall

i always walk home after the shows

as i stepped outside the stage door

the cold rain surged and needled down on me

a lone cab parked with his fare ready light lit

I walked past

and beat on

and as i walked

and froze

and stung

i confronted the black dog barking inside of me

the circle of my life

the fleeting faces 

the cowards and the malcontents

the glory seekers and the vain

i am all these people

and i am none of these people

i beat on

up jarvis

the naysayers

the apathetic

the greedy 

the cut of the weather

pounding on a 62 year old man

i am all of these things

and i am none of these things

finally on carlton

i realized that

i need to be more like divine

she gets a task

and she makes it her entire world

she goes all in 

and it’ glorious to watch

i need to get back to that

i need to go all in again like i did 20 years ago

profound change

revitalizing change

invest in a future

i beat on

i hired good capable people to run my company

i reasoned that it gave me more time to paint

but as the rain sliced into me

as the cold bit me

as the wet seeped into me

i knew my resolution was to call nick and cynthia

book a lunch

and start aggressively planning 

for another 20 years

I've given so much

a son

a marriage

cancer

a relationship

and then another relationship

and then another relationship

all of it in wake of my company

I felt like lieutenant dan up in the crows nest

yelling at god

my original vision came to fruition

now i have to ensure it’s resounding future

- get government funding

and establish ourselves as an orchestra

- hire more musicians and get them on the road

where they can remind people of just how great these albums are

- and promotion! constant content creation is my new favorite term - lots of interaction on all the socials - lots of musicians directly connecting with fans via videos and chats etc

i am forward thinking again

that’s what an evening at massey hall can do

awaken you

inspire you

pull you out of the rain

and warm you with reminders of who you are

i am alive 

craig 

homemade sheppards pie

coppola red wine

.