Everything

i feel lost

afloat on the waves

up and down

it’s as though all the work and all the road

might have been in vain

when i started CAL

it was effortless

but it was an effortlessness that took a ton of hard work

over 150 shows this coming year

and we’re still just getting started

when i was a teenager

going through school

i paid no attention

i was below average with an occasional spark of interest

my report cards were dismal

my rappore with my parents was deteriorating

i was a loner

i laugh today - because no one from my high school remembers me

it was like i didn’t exist

i would spend all of my time listening to albums

i knew them all my capacity to remember lyrics exceeds anyone else i know

i could sing the entire top 40

i could recite a hundred albums

this of course would not do with the powers that be

and i was pushed towards straight and true

get a good education - get a job - get a routine

and while i always admired that in others

it wasn’t for me

so

i had that huck finn moment

the one where huck decided not to turn jim in

and is prepared to damn himself to all eternity

and in doing so - ultimately does the right thing

well

i decided that i would follow the music

become a musician

a band leader

set out

in 1980 i quit college

broke up with my girlfriend

and quit my job at the bay

to go to parry sound ontario

for a week long gig that paid $40 for the entire week

we did the gig

i was happy 

all the bridges burned - i had set out

and so began my life

my life

a happy time inside decades of bars 

it’s what i did

and it came at a price

by the time i started closing in on 30

friends were cutting bait and disgruntled with my lack of realism

to them i was uncontrollable 

i should have a job and be making plans for a family

but it wasn’t for me

of course i had dire moments of doubt

driving home from gigs - up all night - the crack of morning

and you’re in a traffic jam full of people on their way to work

work?

what was i doing?

there was no record deal waiting - i was too old and i just wasn’t good enough

work?

i had no real skills - my currency was all that came with a troubadours life

work?

i lived gig to gig - no savings - no real plan

it didn’t matter

i had my father’s genetics - do it yourself - stay true - don’t be afraid to love

i had my mother’s common sense - get on with it and stop second guessing yourself

they had come to respect my decisions 

i was always a good son

they saw that i was happy and quick to love

so

fuck it 

i’m stayed true to myself

and followed the music

i did cabaret shows

tribute shows

track shows

emcee shows

and countless bar gigs

i worked hard and made money

i started composing music for television

i invented a system that made it easy for television producers to use my material 

without the red tape of forms and sign offs

and with that the money started rolling in

i met susan

got married 

had 2 beautiful sons

we had a house a car a dog and life was stable

i reinvented myself again at the age of 41

i always understood the press

and when asked how i started CAL

i had a tight sound bite ready to roll out

but the truth is

i don’t know

it was like artists describing their muse

it just happens

but that doesn’t make for good copy

so i had some storyies prepped

and when asked if this was a true story

i would say it’s true it’s a story

the joy of hiring musicians and paying them well

is only rivaled by love for your children and partner

i seek out the best people and they seek me out in turn

you get into CAL - you’ve got the keys to the kingdom

the best music

the best musicians

the best venues

the best hang

the best pay

and all this without the drudgery of playing the same set night after night

or vapid fame

we play on the weekends

we fly into places - set up - play - and fly home in time for sunday dinner

it’s perfect

and it’s getting more perfect

i cut bait on some real downers over the years

the artistic temperament is a fragile one

but that’s bullshit

people in offices and construction sites tip toe around malcontents too

i’m lucky - i’m the boss - i give them a chance 

and if they don’t buck up

i fire their ass

that said - i always keep the door open

i don’t carry grudges

life is too short

and my energy is maxed out these days

the tough part for me 

was being the boss and staying friends with the musicians who worked with me

i never was one to seek the advice of others

there’s all kinds of books on how to succeed

and i’m sure they all say that when you’re a CEO

you have to keep yourself guarded from the people you work with

and show nothing but a strong side

fuck that

i am a mess of a man

a kind man

and a sensitive man

it’s an honour to share my vulnerabilities with my fellow musicians

it’s the glue in our resolve 

when we roll into town

we’re all the best we can be

because we lean on each other

up until a few months ago

life was rolling along nicely

i broke another rule and started seriously getting involved with amanda

we’d spent years together traveling side by side

the three of us - myself amanda and alex

we have theme songs that we call upon when we’re all on open road together

so when amanda and i connected

it was easy - we were well aware of what we were getting into

things moved fast

i felt true love for the first time in a long time

and with that

i would often say to her

it’s a happy time

therefore - something bad is going to happen

hard times come and hard times go and hard times come and hard times go

just to come again

my oldest son lucas started feeling sick in late october

we checked him into the hospital

and the worst sentences were spoken

lucas had a rare and aggressive cancer

and it was killing him

myself and his mother - susan

well

we did what any caring parent would do

we loved

lucas passed in late december

2 months after the diagnosis

his strong young body compensated for the discomfort

as rare as the cancer was - it wasn’t uncommon for young people to push through discomfort

there was nothing that anyone could do

susan and i never left his side - never

we did 24 hour shifts one after the other for a solid 2 months

my beautiful son

he’s gone

and i’m lost

my life has taken a turn against nature

no parent should survive their child

it’s not right

and it makes no sense

and that’s the frustration of it all

there is no sense to be made of this

it’s maddening

and it’s never going away

i’m aware that there will always be a palpable element of sadness to my life

i’m also doing my best to keep myself in check

it’s hard being around people

if i hear someone complain about something

i get really anxious

i breath deep

amanda watches me out of the corner of her eye

i let it go

but i have zero tolerance for any bullshit

and my tact meter has been switched off

last month

i started back to work

it still gets foggy

but having the musicians as my friends strengthens me

i’m glad i’ve steered the company like i have

to all the alumni

my deepest heart felt thanks for taking care of my company

and each other in my absence

your true colours are brilliant and fierce

your capacity for compassion is perfectly set

i finding my way slowly

i know enough to stay away from people who don’t really know me 

i don’t want commiseration

or hugs

or consoling

i just want to work

and quietly honour my son’s legacy

by being the best i can be

susan, jackson amanda and i have a saying

recently they both had a birthday 

and i told them that they were turning one

our little family is also turning one

tracy

mum

kate

carol

jim

mezz

those of us on the front lines

life is brand new

everything is a first

we are waiting for our first birthdays

there are moments while mixing the shows

that i feel so emotional - equal measures of strength and weakness

it’s the music

the beauty and power of the music

it is life to me

it makes me feel something that isn’t bordered by grief

it is hopeful and strong

it revives me and helps me remember to seek out beauty

it has been the constant in my life

i’m thankful for that

last week i stood in a field and played baseball with jackson

we hit caught and threw the ball silently to one another

we were both aware that we were missing a fielder

but we stayed the course and a calm found us

when we played massey hall

well

if you were there - you saw it

the lights from the phones during candle in the wind

how could you not feel connected at a time like that?

the spectacle let me hide my tears

the hall aglow 

the music - perfect

in that moment i knew that my life - all life - is defined by moments of grace

some people find it in a church

some in volunteer work

some in movies

i find it in the halls of my life

the stages - the metaphor gaining gravitas 

i want this to continue 

my huck finn moment proving worthwhile

and with that

now more than ever

i wish nothing but love for everyone we cross paths with

dream big

live a life that matters

fix the old wounds

let go of the weights

forgive

aspire and soar

and take care of each other

craig

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