Sunday, 24 February 2019


i’m a mess of a man
there’s a lot wrong with me
as there is most of us
but i’m trying to work through it

it’s been just over 2 years since my son passed
i’ve been trying to hold things together
for my son and mother and sister and partner
but now i need to get myself strong
it started with physical training
and now i’m moving towards seeing a shrink
to get my brain healthy

funny thing
i’ve reached out to 4 different shrinks
and once they asked why i wanted to get shrunk
they passed
as if it was too big a task
i was troubled at first
but now i think this is funny
and i think lucas would think it was funny too

last night
i connected with my oldest friend 
and we headed out to brampton to see the queen show
it was great
and i was happy
because everyone onstage takes care of me
in a deeply profound way
i realized that i’ve been absent 
and in my absence
these fantastic musicians carry the torch
compassionate people all
perhaps they don’t even realize it
but i do
and that feels good
it thrusts me towards building more shows
with more musicians
that feels really good

once home
i wandered down the road to my local pub 
and ran into doug - our lighting tech from massey hall
we chit chatted 
i returned to my seat at the bar
and he wandered over
and thanked me for the work i was doing with the canadian cancer society
no one has ever done that
we shared stories
brief yet heartfelt
and then 
heading home
it came 
my knees buckled
and i let it go
alone on carlton street at midnight
weeping like a baby
all from a little flash of meaning

i think it’s about forgiveness
that’s as close as i get to clarity
i’m living through extraordinary circumstances
and running a company all the while
i question everything
i start by looking for the fault in myself
and radiate out from there
this is starting to work
and moving me forward towards healing

that and music
what else is there?
maybe a book
maybe a movie
but you can move with music
take it with you
let it be a bandaid
a declaration
a piece of ID
a fashion
a lifestyle

we’re going through a time 
where music and love are the only true things in our lives
everything else seems like it’s attached to an agenda
an agenda that just wants to remove you from your money
we get lied to
we get identified and marketed to

but when i get my headphones on
and walk through an airport with springsteen playing
i feel strong
when i get in the car and switch on the beatles channel
i feel happy
when i put the pretenders on my turntable while i’m cooking dinner
i feel smart
and when i go to a show
and sit in the audience amongst people
who all grew up with this music
and the musicians walk on stage and shine
i feel alive

february 24, 2019

coffee and apple slices


  1. Craig, you are a truly caring and gentle man. I feel lucky to know you. It takes courage to seek help to get yourself feeling right with the world. You've got this!

  2. Craig,there's an international organization, a support group for bereaved parents, called The Compassionate Friends. They helped Joe and I when we lost our son. Without them I don't know where I'd be. All members are bereaved parents. I can get you their content information. I know how hard child loss is. You're being proactive and that's a good thing.

    1. Thanks for this, Nancy. Please send me their info. I'm sending you love.