I Hate Hipsters

there's a record store in my hood
called soundscapes
they play terrible music in the store
but it's local and i support all the local businesses

a couple of months ago i bought a the bob dylan box set there
the witmark demos
5 records
vinyl
a great box set for the serious dylan fan
anyway
right there on the wrapping it says : free digital download

i pay for the box set
get a hurmph from the clerk
he's playing a new band that sounds like a fridge buzzing
'the download works in canada?' i ask
'of course' replies the not so young hipster
a swipe of the visa and i'm on my way

now
i have issues
i know this
i've removed all the digital readouts from my house
i have no micro wave
no digital clocks
i covered the digital readout on the cable box in black electrical tape
there are no cd players
only vinyl
i have 3 record players set up throughout the digs
everyone makes fun of me and my house
i'm okay with this
deep down i don't ever want it to stop being 1977
anyway
from time to time
i'm forced to listen to music digitally
like on a plane
once i tried to bring a small stereo complete with turntable on board for a flight
but it didn't fly with the airline
so
i use an ipod - an old one - i think it's from the 80s

the digital dylan download doesn't do what the not so young hipster at soundscapes said it would do
not in canada
back to the store
this time the music playing sounds like whale farts with a female singer warbling along
i don't get it but it doesn't matter
i state my case
there's an older looking cat behind the counter with the already not so young looking hipster
together they tell me that there's nothing they can do

$100 for the box set
you'd think there would be some kind of sympathy
even a phone number for columbia
but they both stand there stunned looking as the warbling continues overhead
no effort is made
i spend at least a grand there over the course of the year
never again

a week later i'm on queen street east
there's a smelly old vinyl store
an old cat at a desk with a bagel and cream cheese
spinning steven stills 
i tell him of the dylan digital download
he says 'what a drag'
and digs out the number for columbia records for me

hipsters don't get it
they're style over substance
i judge people by the music they listen to
that's why at the shows i want to invite everyone back to my place or at least the hotel
because i know the common bond of classic rock will make everything okay

anyway
i called columbia
got lost on their voice mail
kept pressing zero
finally got a guy who took my number and said someone would call me back
that was a month ago
still no call
therefore i am forced to believe that columbia is overrun with hipsters

craig martin
march 21, 2011
a cup of tea and digestive biscuits